Having been out of the marriage and dating scene for a few years, I’ve had time to think about what I might, still not so sure,  but might be interested in again for the next go-round…I used to joke that I had a list a mile long of what I will and will not put up with.  It was an all me list, and quite frankly, it has to be a “me” list in order for me to take care of myself and my best interests if I intend to be happy with a significant other in my life again.  Notice I said significant other and not husband.  I’m still not so sure that marriage will ever be in the cards again, but I am realizing that being alone may not be what is supposed to be in the cards either.   Therefore I’ve started establishing my list of what I would be looking for in the “ideal man”.  I honestly don’t think the ideal man truly exists, but I am a dreamer I guess, perhaps a realistic dreamer in that maybe ALL of my listed qualities may not show up in somebody, but I think it’s fair to be looking for most of them.

The most important thing that I am looking for is for you to be genuine.  You need to be on the “inside” what you portray yourself to be on the “outside”.  Phony people don’t cut it for me, if you want to find someone compatible with you, you can’t come across as something you are not.  Lay it all out on the line.  Let me know who you really are.  I’ve been around enough to spot phony..

I’d like someone who makes me laugh and doesn’t walk around taking life so serious all the time.  Someone who can roll with the punches, get up, dust yourself off and move on and doesn’t blame the world for everything that may not be going exactly right.

Somebody who knows how to have fun who isn’t a fuddy duddy afraid to be spontaneous on occasion and who can let loose and be fun and crazy at times.  Try new things without worrying about what other people are going to think.  We’re not here to abide by what others perceive to be “normal”.  Challenge them to define “normal”…

Comfort and care for me.  Provide comfort and support when I need it.  Provide it on a regular basis, let me know you are here for me and that you genuinely care about what I may be going thru and help me as best you can.  I don’t expect any more from someone than they can give, but give me what you can and in the most caring generous way that you are able.  Just let me know that you are there for me with kind comforting words.

I’d like someone who is hardworking, not a couch potato but who also enjoys rainy days in front of a fire watching movies, relaxing, being together enjoying each others company.  I also expect loyalty and command respect.  Please don’t point out my obvious flaws as I already know they exist and if you can’t deal with them, then the door is that way>

I need someone with common sense, with a good business and financial head, with a great sense of being responsible.  I like someone who like me, chooses to live below my means, lives a simple life, no extravagances.

I’d like someone who is willing to teach me the world through his eyes and who makes me yearn to learn more through him, a man who is curious.

I would love to want to come home to you.  I want to know that you are there to talk to, to tell about what happened during my day, to find out what happened during YOUR day and to know how you are doing too.  In other words, I’d like communication…. and a ginormous bear hug !

A little cabin or ranch type house.  One story, with basement for furnace, water heater, electrical equipment and storage only.  One floor open concept living.  A master suite at the end of the house, with a TV and computer area off to the side within this suite.  One guest bedroom only.  Central air/heat for sure.  There is a screened in 3 season porch along the entire back of the house with a 5 person hot tub.  Outside speakers for the awesome stereo system, and a grill hard-wired to the electric box.    Outside is a nice little fenced in garden area complete with an herb garden.    The lawn area is very small, easy to keep and surrounded by trees, and is also fenced in all around to keep my dog safe.   Minimal maintenance.    There is just enough acreage for 1-2  horses, a small barn/garage combo with hay storage above, and there is a fenced-in riding ring  and a round pen.  All of this nestled in the foothills of a  western mountain range. 

 The house and barn/garage is white with magenta shutters and doors and magenta metal roof, flower boxes and raised flower beds everywhere.  Tons of  hostas!  All different varieties! 

There is a farm stand at the end of the driveway to sell my garden goods and many varieties of hostas.

The town is small and quaint, relaxing, no hustle and bustle, a quiet place to live.

Welcome to “My Dream”…

What is up with the morals or lack thereof in our world anymore?  Allowing Michael Vick back in “the game” after the sick, thoughtless, inhumane, grisly things he did to those poor dogs on his property?  Why is a human being (and I use the term loosely) such as this, looked up to in any way, shape or form?  Are we so sick that we feel the need to idolize a man after what he’s done and confessed to have done for the sake of a “game”?  What the hell?  Oh, but I’m apparently part of the minority here in that I voted on a website to NOT let him back into the game and it sickened me that 47% said he paid his dues and so let  him back in.  As if nothing happened.    Tell the poor dead dogs that “nothing happened” as they suffered brutality at his and his cronies hands for the sake of what, yet more money?  Let’s see, $130 million  for 10 years of playing a game?  Just not sure he could live on that, you know? 

When we have “idols” like this to look up to it’s no wonder kids AND adults nowdays are messed up and have no morals.  There’s nobody teaching them anymore.  People like Vick get a slap on the wrist for being the brutal monster that he is, and think about it….what kind of human is he that he can harbor such meanness, cruelty and hatred towards a living being?  It only stands to reason that if he’s treating defenseless animals in this way, then the next logical step is treating another human being the same way.  I would be scared to death to be anywhere near a person who I know has done what he did.

I can only hope that none of the teams take him back.  It would only be teaching people, our young people, that your chances of getting away with murder is pretty darn good.

I am wishing my life away week by week, can’t wait for the week to end because it means I get paid.  Paid to pay an $1100 a month mortgage/taxes for a house I don’t want and nobody can buy nowadays. 

What kind of a life is this to continue wishing each day would end so that it gets me closer to payday? 

I remember when payday used to be FUN!  Couldn’t wait to have extra spending money to go out with friends and just be silly and have fun, go away for an overnight party or to a concert.  Or, as I got older and bought a house, money to spend on the house.  Decorating or landscaping, planting.  That used to be fun.  Not any more.  It’s not fun to do all of this for someplace I don’ t want and is nowhere near where my life ended up geographically speaking.

The economy is spiralling downhill and it’s taking everything and everyone with it.  Little things are being affected and they are snowballing, gathering speed and growing into major problems for most people and we are caught up in this trap thatlooks to be hopeless to get out of. 

I feel more and more lost, unhappy, unfulfilled, and my life not meaning anything anymore.  I’m not sure I can be good at just surviving alone.  Oh I’m not alone, I have my friends and they are in the same boat I am.  I used to be able to be helpful towards friends and others but now I’m hard pressed to help myself anymore.  What the hell?  I want, and more so, need answers.  I used to have a path to follow but now it’s turned into a inter-winding circling all over the place road that is going nowhere.  Straighten out road!

Where is this all leading?  Well?

It’s 10:30 a.m. and I just heard 4 radio commercials in a row.  That’s not unusual and I can ignore them anyway.  However, it’s the repeating of the 800 numbers 4 TIMES and more that is annoying!   Has anyone else noticed this new radio annoyance?   It seems to have come about within the last few months.  How anyone can think that we would remember all of these phone numbers when they are whipped out annoyingly quickly and one commercial after another??!!   I’ve just had 4 numbers playing 16 times in my head and it is getting to be sickening to hear this all day long.  It’s not like I am, first, interested in what is advertised, and second, going to remember an annoying repeated phone number a million times….   I know.  Change the station.  But guess what?   They are ALL doing this!   It amazes me what people do for money.  Unfortunately the radio stations have to sign up this kind of garbage to keep playing tunes in between the ridiculous phone numbers. 

Perhaps I should write a country song about this subject and then I wouldn’t be quite so annoyed.

Heard a statement on talk radio recently about “losing your way”.  What is my “way”?  How do I know if I lost it or not if I don’t know what my “way” is?  I’m in my forty’s and don’t know if I have a “way” yet.  Have I been trying to go my way?  Have I been trying to find my way, no, can’t because I don’t know what my way is.  What the hell is a way?  I’m assuming I should know by now what my way is, but darned if I know.  Is everybody’s way the same?  Is it a general kind of thought or logic or “way of life” that we all inadvertantly seek or is my way different than that of everyone else?  Maybe it means “am I on track”, on track of life or something.  I don’t know, “way”, “on track”, it doesn’t really matter because I don’t know at this point if I’m on track or not.  What track?  Hmm, it seems my “way” and being “on track” could be interchangeable.  Scary.  Just another thing to add to my gigantic “To Do” list.  Figuring out what my “way” is and if I’m “on track” with it or not….

I’ve finally figured out why it hurts more to lose a treasured pet than it does to lose a human relationship, at least for me.  Altho I have had boyfriends and a husband who did look at me “adoringly”, it wasn’t, as it turned out, anything that was going to last forever.

With a pet, be it a cat, dog,  horse (all of which I have/had), these “adoring” looks and looks of love and of just plain wanting to be with me, are “Forever” looks.  There is no wondering on my part if there is going to be a mid-life crisis coming, or male menopause kicking in or thoughts of leaving me for somebody better.  I AM the somebody better in their lives.  They think of no one else but me.  I am their everything.  I can relax and know that I am the most important thing in their lives (short of food!) and have nothing to worry about and just take care of them to the best of my ability and love them for who they are and for what joy, comfort and love they bring into my life.

It’s too bad so many people don’t get or give themselves a chance to experience this sort of relationship.  We can all learn from our animal friends and perhaps grow as human beings. 

I still miss Tasha, Penny, Holly and Tony….:(

Is it just me or is it irritating when someone puts old, useless or broken items BACK into a junk drawer?!   What’s up with that??  As I am pet sitting with a tornado warning on TV and the warning siren going off in town, I am rummaging thru their junk drawers and finding all kinds of flashlights and batteries;  NONE OF WHICH WORK!    Batteries dead both inside the flashlights and inside the junk drawer.   Then to find out the trusty little flashlight keychain on my car key ring is DEAD too!!   Geez, talk about a run of bad luck in a scary situation.   Nothing to do but grab the dogs and  head downstairs and hope nothing happens!   People really!   Clean out your junk drawers and clean them today !  

Ha!  Fooled you! 

I never thought that at my age I’d be sitting up here in a house that I don’t want, by myself, with nowhere to go due to outrageous gas prices, spending the entire day channel surfing for something decent to watch on my basic cable in order to occupy my time.  When I was a teenager I am sure I didn’t imagine this life.  When I was in my 20’s, I obviously didn’t imagine this life.  Could it have been so long ago that I don’t know if I had EVER imagined what my life was going to be?  I guess so.  I don’t think I like this growing old thing.  Gonna have a problem with it!  Not that 45 is old, but being 45, in an unhappy situation and the future looking to be a bit bleak with how the world is nowdays, I feel too old to be wondering what the hell I’m supposed to be doing or where I’m supposed to be.  I’m happy for people who are exactly where they want to be or intended to be.  I don’t wish this stress upon anyone, well, maybe, ok, no one.  That’s another thing, I’m not impressed with what my situation has turned me into.  I used to be more nice, carefree, stronger with a more positive approach and positive outlook, but I’m slowly thinking that I’m being beaten by the game of life.  I can only speak for myself here.  I know there are people out there with bigger problems than mine, who have life threatening illnesses to contend with and more, but I need to look out for myself as well.  I wish I could help others in some way, but I seem to be unwillingly consumed with helping myself at the moment. 

It scares me the way  life in the United States seems to be going.  Every time I tune into the cable news networks it gets worse every day.  The gas prices, fuel oil prices, food prices, everything is getting out of control and it feeds into our everyday lives as to how we are supposed to cope with these changes.  How is one person with one income supposed to deal with the climate (fuel/propane/snowplowing/roof shoveling) and rising costs of pretty much everything?  If this is a test, I’m not so sure I’m going to pass this one.  The unknown, which is scary in itself, is even more frightening with the daily bad news of the housing market, fuel, all of the above mentioned issues.  How does one survive this?  It’s a hell of a test for sure.

As I sat here one night with my one living room lamp on and a hurricane lamp (for ambiance) while watching television, I had to laugh.  It struck me all of a sudden that perhaps I could have saved on  my electric bill for the winter by using ONLY hurricane lamps for  lighting instead of any electric lighting.  A few months ago I mixed up a batch of  home made laundry soap, which by the way works like a charm and has saved me loads of money in not having to purchase store bought detergent.  But, why should I have stopped there?  I have an electric kerosene heater that I used as an additional heat source, why not have 2 or 3?  Right now electric is cheaper than kerosene for heat which is at almost $5 per gallon.  It got me to thinking of how people lived in the “old” days before electricity and heating fuel.  It’s sad to have to think like that, but at the same time I found it humerous that in this modern day of technology, I’m trying to figure out how to live as close to the same way as in the old days as possible.  I think my new attitude is going to be:  Whatever Works.

Off to mix up a batch of dishwashing liquid….

It’s a great feeling to go thru my house, closet by closet, room by room and clean out all of the clutter that tends to accumulate and multiply all on its’ own over the years.  It can’t be ME bringing in and holding onto all this “stuff”!    Alas!  It is!  Me and only me.  I am the only one to blame when there is clutter in the  house, things that just don’t make sense to have anymore.

I am also the only one to blame for hanging onto clutter in my daily life as well.  Cleaning house also means cleaning up that in my life which causes me grief, stress and unhappiness.  Sometimes this means taking a look at people around me.  Am I surrounded by people I love and care deeply for?  Or am I surrounded by people calling themselves “friend” who haven’t a clue as to the true meaning of friendship?   Those who are high maintenance AND are always making me question the motivation behind their friendship with me are my “closet clutter”.

Sometimes it’s a hard thing to do to end a friendship, but it could be very necessary for our own well-being.  After all, if there is that much stress, unhappiness and one-sidedness in the friendship, how is this a benefit to our health and overall wellness?  Surrounding ourselves with people who make us happy, who  we can be ourselves with and share the good times and the bad is a great benefit to our health and well-being.

A true friend likes/loves you for who you are.  They’ve taken the time to get to know you and are always there for you when  you need them.  A true friend isn’t afraid to speak up when you are seeking advice and they expect nothing more than the same from you.  There is nothing like calling a friend when you are down and hearing their voice at the other end of the line truly caring about what you are going through even while they have their own problems and issues to go through as well.  It’s so great to be able to let a friend know of something wonderful happening with you and having them share in your joy and be truly happy for you.

I’ve found over time for it to be so very important to have people in my life that make me happy.  It’s a great feeling when you share that special bond with friends and you know they feel the same way.  You just know.  Spending time with true friends whether it’s going to plays, playing cards or just having dinner together and watching a  movie is a wonderful feeling and a fantastic way to catch up with each other.  Relaxing and sharing down-time together.  It’s a wonder thing!

Cleaning house.