Jewels45's Weblog

Same Time This Year

jewels45 — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 04:14:22 +0000

Every year at this time, Christmas season, it’s the same for me. I LOVE the holiday hoopla. The lights, Christmas movies and programs, songs, decorating inside and out and even the snow when we have it. It’s not Christmas without snow. But as Christmas day actually draws near, I already start with this feeling of let-down or sadness, because I know the following week leads up to New Years day and that has always been a depressing time for me. I can never put my finger on it. I think part of it is because all of a sudden all of the fun movies and lights and parties and things I so look forward to well before Christmas, suddenly stop. Everything slows down come January first which allows more time to ponder the future and quite honestly that in itself for the past few years has been quite trying, to say the least.

Part of me wishes I was younger and enjoyed New Year’s Eve parties…but being alone just isn’t the same so it’s a bit depressing for me, New Year’s Eve. I really can’t wait to get it over with and speed right through next week after Christmas and jump right into being back to work on January 2nd. I can think more clearly regarding my future when I am not in this combination holiday fun/funk. I need to keep focused. I lose focus because the season, at least for me, is such a fun, happy time and I momentarily get lost and forget the problems I have and how to fix them.

This is my horse Erin, and she is my focus and always has been. I have no idea in the grand scheme of things what we are doing or where we are going, but I really need to figure it out and here it is only December 18th and that same old deflated feeling is already starting. I guess I should be happy that for a brief few weeks, my troubles magically vanished, if even for a very short time. Maybe that’s how Christmas season is meant to be for me, and for that I am grateful.

Come on New Year! I’m ready to take you on!

When things are not as they Appear

jewels45 — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 22:27:43 +0000

I decided to fire up the hot-tub one beautiful February evening at my house. The moon was full, making it look like my entire 6 acres had a spotlight shining down upon it. Temperature was just perfect for winter tubbing, at least for me. 25 degrees. No wind. Perfectly still outside. We had come through a couple of recent snow storms which left me having to shovel a small path TO the hot-tub in order to use it and then shovel it off. Nice fluffy snow made for easy shoveling.

My property is very secluded. I have only 2 neighbors, one of whom left at the end of summer after closing down their house for the winter, and my neighbor across the road I have only ever seen a handful of times while living up there. This being the case, I have never thought twice about clothing or lack-there-of when heading out to use my hot-tub which is located in the back of the house anyway. This evening was no different. I grabbed my phone and a towel, and headed out. The soothing heat and jets made for a great body massage while I relaxed in my winter wonderland.

I had been in the tub for nearly half an hour, eyes half shut, thinking about calling it a nite before I fell asleep and drowned when out of the corner of my eye I catch some movement coming up over a tiny hill about 10 feet away. I sat up, tried to focus on it, but it was dark, clouds moving in had started taking away a lot of the moonlight and I had left my glasses in the house. I knew it was a small animal, and it kept approaching. Must be the white stray cat that hangs around once in a while.

“Here kitty kitty”! It’s walking funny, just sort of ambling towards the tub, maybe 4 feet away by now. I called it once again, no meows, nothing, just walking towards me. As it got closer and my blind eyes focused as hard as they could on it, I spy a black mark. I’ve never noticed any black on this white stray before.

Oh shit….it’s not just a black mark, it’s a stripe. SKUNK!!!

Now what?? Crap! Do I sit here and wait to see what it does? Will it notice me and immediately do the ‘skunk thing’? I wasn’t going to wait for THAT so I threw myself out over the end of the tub into the pile of snow, yes, there was no path shoveled around that end of the tub to the other side of the house but who needs a path? I made my own, stark naked in the dark clear around to the front door of the house which I almost always lock as soon as I enter. Maybe I didn’t lock it this time. I mean, it CAN’T be locked because I can’t stand out here in below freezing weather with nothing on but icicles! I’ve never prayed so hard in those few seconds as I ran around the end of the house, up and over the huge pile of snow left from shoveling the walkway, and up the steps to the front door. PLEASE open! And it did. Why I didn’t lock the door behind me that night, I don’t know, but I was ridiculously happy and very grateful that I hadn’t. I don’t know where the skunk went, but my towel and phone stayed outside the rest of the night to be retrieved the next day.

And that, my friends, is hot-tubbing in the country!

Addiction

jewels45 — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 15:55:06 +0000

I recently took on another small business involving a product that I really like. I am in love with and addicted to this product. I knew it was wonderful and perfect for me in hearing about it, before ever seeing it. In passing conversations regarding it, my interest was piqued right from the very beginning. So many people were speaking so very highly of it, had nothing but good things to say and were extremely happy with it. I knew immediately it was something for me, not only for me, but for other people as well. I had to get the word out about it so I became a consultant for this product. It’s a win-win situation for everyone all around.

This got me to thinking; wouldn’t it be a great feeling to have someone in my life that I am in love with and addicted to? That could be pretty cool…

Reflection

jewels45 — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 21:35:07 +0000

I AM what you see.

I AM what you hear.

I have nothing to hide

And little to fear.

To ask me to be someone I’m not

Is putting me in an undesireable spot.

For being not me just to suit you

Only proves to myself that I’m being untrue.

Being true to myself is all that I’ve got

If you can’t accept that

Then You I need not.

Dear Erin,

jewels45 — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 01:26:28 +0000

Ever since you were a youngster, I have had a master plan for you. For you and me. I was excited to put to the test all that I had learned over the years up until that time to teach you and to formulate what you would become. What you and I would become together. I’m proud to say that I have done a pretty good job and that you are an amazing horse with many, many friends who think you are simply awesome. And you are. We have had a couple of rough spots in our life but we have managed to stay together this long and I am visualizing that we will stay together for always.

My dream for us has always been for you to learn to pull and be my driving horse, for when it may not be possible for me to ride again. I still want that bond with you and driving is it. At least in my mind it is. I still see it, quite clearly really…New Hampshire in the fall, the bright colors of the autumn leaves as the sunlight shimmers through them. A cool, crisp early October afternoon. Oh, and I already know what you would be pulling. I can see that clearly as well. A two -wheeled easy entry cart, padded seat, with easily interchangeable wheels and skis so we can drive in the winter as well! You have always liked working and I’m quite certain you would take to driving really well and that you would thoroughly enjoy having something to do in the beautiful outdoors. You are such an easy-going mare, nothing seems to frighten you on the trails and I’d love to see your big behind, tail swishing happily, trotting along having as much fun as I. This thought totally cracks me up, as there aren’t alot of people in my life who would understand just how much fun this could be. We may have to take them along for a ride!

Anyway, I’m writing this to let you know that my dream still stands, no matter how tough things may become. We are on just a little hiatus right now, but I fully intend to move full-speed ahead one of these days soon.

Love,

Happy New Year??

jewels45 — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 15:11:24 +0000

So here I sit, after yet another year of having hoped, wished and tried, not to mention struggled. Most people appear to be looking eagerly forward to a new year full positive energy and great things to come. Me? Not so much. Waiting gets old. Trying and getting nowhere gets old. Doing all that I can and waiting for the bottom to fall out gets old. But that is what lies ahead and that is what I don’t look forward to. Waiting. IH82W8. I can pretend and fool myself into thinking positive that the Universe is going to provide me with everything I’ve ever dreamed and hoped for, but that to me is just the most unrealistic thing I’ve ever heard of and quite frankly, I’m tired of people living in this fantasy dream world. Real life happens. Real economy happens. Negative things happen. That’s reality! Not this eyes glazed-over happy-go-lucky everything will be fiiiiiiiiine stick my head in the sand, it will be okkkkkkk attitude.

Did I ask for my present problems to happen? No. Did I do what was best for me at the time? Yes. Could I predict the fall of the economy? No. I’ve been patiently waiting and hoping and yes, thinking positive because sometimes that’s all there is, but things are just not working out.

Most people look forward to a new year as a clean slate and hope for better things to come, more prosperity, etc.. I do too, but in reality, I just want to get my head back up above water because I’m starting to drown here.

Dating, Menopause and Other Mid-Life Crap

jewels45 — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 16:16:42 +0000

I used to think that once I was financially set and on a good positive track in life, that I would then open myself up to the possibility of dating again; finding that someone “right” for me. Someone I look forward to coming home to, can’t wait to come home to.

Now that I am quite positive that I am not going to be financially stable without a lot of work, have outstanding debts that I can’t seem to get out from under, a house that I can’t get rid of, not to mention a body that is getting older and feeling the pain that I’ve put it thru by working it to death for so many years, I don’t know who would want to take this on? My financial status and debts isn’t anybody’s concern but do I want to get back into the “pool” when I feel that my best years are behind me? I mean, how attractive is it when my back hurts enough so that it’s difficult to move first thing in the morning? Or bounding up the stairs quickly and with ease doesn’t happen anymore? Hiking and biking and all similar dating activities from my 20′s are far behind me. Add to this the onset of menopause! Good grief, even I am not looking forward to being with me if it becomes as bad as people say it can be! I am going to fight and conquer this time of my life as much as possible!

So now what? Am I destined to be by myself thru this time of my life? Are men just going to say: “Oh no, she’s of that age….and you know what THAT means!”? I hope not but the concern is still there. A guarded concern. Perhaps I should worry less about me and question the man who would think and judge in this manner. We’ve come full swing back to “compassion” again and what I look for in a man. Funny how things come full circle eventually.

Summer Storm

jewels45 — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 00:49:21 +0000

A good summer thunderstorm, even though frightening and sometimes devastating, is still so thrilling to me. The wonderment of all that is happening in and beyond the skies can take me so far away, out of my everyday thoughts and tedious actions. There’s nothing better than sinking down into a comfy chair with a good book, gazing out at the show Mother Nature is putting on beyond my window. Glancing down ever so quickly and more and more infrequently at what I am reading, totally mesmerized; lost in the amazing light show, noise and pelting raindrops against the glass. The only thing that could make this an even more enjoyable experience is sharing it with someone. A few lighted candles, no tv or radio. Nothing but the experience of light, sound, scent and each other along with that fabulous background on the other side of the room.

Another piece to the dating game

jewels45 — Thu, 20 May 2010 01:26:59 +0000

Oh no! What if I’ve been on my own too long to be able to fit into another person’s life, or they into mine? What if I’m too set in my ways and can’t adjust enough to let someone in? How do you live on your own for such a long time and “fit” someone in if the interest is there? How does this even start? So many questions and absolutely no clue as to what the answers might be. Is this just another stressful piece to look forward to in the dreaded dating game?

The Dark Side

jewels45 — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 18:57:43 +0000

You know, most people have a bit of a dark side to them. It might not be horrible, but there are things people do, say, think, act upon, think about acting upon that would spin the heads of friends, family and strangers alike. You just never know what is going on in the mind of the person next to you…..what is going on in YOUR mind? I’M not telling either…….