Heard a statement on talk radio recently about “losing your way”. What is my “way”? How do I know if I lost it or not if I don’t know what my “way” is? I’m in my forty’s and don’t know if I have a “way” yet. Have I been trying to go my way? Have I been trying to find my way, no, can’t because I don’t know what my way is. What the hell is a way? I’m assuming I should know by now what my way is, but darned if I know. Is everybody’s way the same? Is it a general kind of thought or logic or “way of life” that we all inadvertantly seek or is my way different than that of everyone else? Maybe it means “am I on track”, on track of life or something. I don’t know, “way”, “on track”, it doesn’t really matter because I don’t know at this point if I’m on track or not. What track? Hmm, it seems my “way” and being “on track” could be interchangeable. Scary. Just another thing to add to my gigantic “To Do” list. Figuring out what my “way” is and if I’m “on track” with it or not….
July 20, 2008
My Best Friends
I’ve finally figured out why it hurts more to lose a treasured pet than it does to lose a human relationship, at least for me. Altho I have had boyfriends and a husband who did look at me “adoringly”, it wasn’t, as it turned out, anything that was going to last forever.
With a pet, be it a cat, dog, horse (all of which I have/had), these “adoring” looks and looks of love and of just plain wanting to be with me, are “Forever” looks. There is no wondering on my part if there is going to be a mid-life crisis coming, or male menopause kicking in or thoughts of leaving me for somebody better. I AM the somebody better in their lives. They think of no one else but me. I am their everything. I can relax and know that I am the most important thing in their lives (short of food!) and have nothing to worry about and just take care of them to the best of my ability and love them for who they are and for what joy, comfort and love they bring into my life.
It’s too bad so many people don’t get or give themselves a chance to experience this sort of relationship. We can all learn from our animal friends and perhaps grow as human beings.
I still miss Tasha, Penny, Holly and Tony….:(
Junk Drawer
Is it just me or is it irritating when someone puts old, useless or broken items BACK into a junk drawer?! What’s up with that?? As I am pet sitting with a tornado warning on TV and the warning siren going off in town, I am rummaging thru their junk drawers and finding all kinds of flashlights and batteries; NONE OF WHICH WORK! Batteries dead both inside the flashlights and inside the junk drawer. Then to find out the trusty little flashlight keychain on my car key ring is DEAD too!! Geez, talk about a run of bad luck in a scary situation. Nothing to do but grab the dogs and head downstairs and hope nothing happens! People really! Clean out your junk drawers and clean them today ! 
Our wonderful changing world
Ha! Fooled you!
I never thought that at my age I’d be sitting up here in a house that I don’t want, by myself, with nowhere to go due to outrageous gas prices, spending the entire day channel surfing for something decent to watch on my basic cable in order to occupy my time. When I was a teenager I am sure I didn’t imagine this life. When I was in my 20’s, I obviously didn’t imagine this life. Could it have been so long ago that I don’t know if I had EVER imagined what my life was going to be? I guess so. I don’t think I like this growing old thing. Gonna have a problem with it! Not that 45 is old, but being 45, in an unhappy situation and the future looking to be a bit bleak with how the world is nowdays, I feel too old to be wondering what the hell I’m supposed to be doing or where I’m supposed to be. I’m happy for people who are exactly where they want to be or intended to be. I don’t wish this stress upon anyone, well, maybe, ok, no one. That’s another thing, I’m not impressed with what my situation has turned me into. I used to be more nice, carefree, stronger with a more positive approach and positive outlook, but I’m slowly thinking that I’m being beaten by the game of life. I can only speak for myself here. I know there are people out there with bigger problems than mine, who have life threatening illnesses to contend with and more, but I need to look out for myself as well. I wish I could help others in some way, but I seem to be unwillingly consumed with helping myself at the moment.
It scares me the way life in the United States seems to be going. Every time I tune into the cable news networks it gets worse every day. The gas prices, fuel oil prices, food prices, everything is getting out of control and it feeds into our everyday lives as to how we are supposed to cope with these changes. How is one person with one income supposed to deal with the climate (fuel/propane/snowplowing/roof shoveling) and rising costs of pretty much everything? If this is a test, I’m not so sure I’m going to pass this one. The unknown, which is scary in itself, is even more frightening with the daily bad news of the housing market, fuel, all of the above mentioned issues. How does one survive this? It’s a hell of a test for sure.
As I sat here one night with my one living room lamp on and a hurricane lamp (for ambiance) while watching television, I had to laugh. It struck me all of a sudden that perhaps I could have saved on my electric bill for the winter by using ONLY hurricane lamps for lighting instead of any electric lighting. A few months ago I mixed up a batch of home made laundry soap, which by the way works like a charm and has saved me loads of money in not having to purchase store bought detergent. But, why should I have stopped there? I have an electric kerosene heater that I used as an additional heat source, why not have 2 or 3? Right now electric is cheaper than kerosene for heat which is at almost $5 per gallon. It got me to thinking of how people lived in the “old” days before electricity and heating fuel. It’s sad to have to think like that, but at the same time I found it humerous that in this modern day of technology, I’m trying to figure out how to live as close to the same way as in the old days as possible. I think my new attitude is going to be: Whatever Works.
Off to mix up a batch of dishwashing liquid….
Cleaning House
It’s a great feeling to go thru my house, closet by closet, room by room and clean out all of the clutter that tends to accumulate and multiply all on its’ own over the years. It can’t be ME bringing in and holding onto all this “stuff”! Alas! It is! Me and only me. I am the only one to blame when there is clutter in the house, things that just don’t make sense to have anymore.
I am also the only one to blame for hanging onto clutter in my daily life as well. Cleaning house also means cleaning up that in my life which causes me grief, stress and unhappiness. Sometimes this means taking a look at people around me. Am I surrounded by people I love and care deeply for? Or am I surrounded by people calling themselves “friend” who haven’t a clue as to the true meaning of friendship? Those who are high maintenance AND are always making me question the motivation behind their friendship with me are my “closet clutter”.
Sometimes it’s a hard thing to do to end a friendship, but it could be very necessary for our own well-being. After all, if there is that much stress, unhappiness and one-sidedness in the friendship, how is this a benefit to our health and overall wellness? Surrounding ourselves with people who make us happy, who we can be ourselves with and share the good times and the bad is a great benefit to our health and well-being.
A true friend likes/loves you for who you are. They’ve taken the time to get to know you and are always there for you when you need them. A true friend isn’t afraid to speak up when you are seeking advice and they expect nothing more than the same from you. There is nothing like calling a friend when you are down and hearing their voice at the other end of the line truly caring about what you are going through even while they have their own problems and issues to go through as well. It’s so great to be able to let a friend know of something wonderful happening with you and having them share in your joy and be truly happy for you.
I’ve found over time for it to be so very important to have people in my life that make me happy. It’s a great feeling when you share that special bond with friends and you know they feel the same way. You just know. Spending time with true friends whether it’s going to plays, playing cards or just having dinner together and watching a movie is a wonderful feeling and a fantastic way to catch up with each other. Relaxing and sharing down-time together. It’s a wonder thing!
Cleaning house.
Where am I going??
Do you ever wonder if this is all there is? You. You who? Who are “you” out there? You are anyone who would be listening to this had you been here for me to talk to. But, as I have chosen to live in the peace and quiet of myself, you, are whomever I choose in my mind to be the recipient of my thoughts. Lucky You!
I wonder all the time if there is anything more out there. What am I doing? Where am I going? Am I supposed to be doing something else, or is this it? If this is it, I may have to rethink what I’m doing. Hmm, if I could only do that as easily as it sounds I wouldn’t be wondering all the time if this is all there is. Kind of mind boggling I guess, but yet, it’s a serious question. I hate to think that I’m traveling down the same old dusty road on my way to somewhere feeling like I’m never going to end up anywhere. First of all, how boring! Second, what’s the point? There has to be a point to everything I would think. You can not just travel down a road and not end up somewhere. You have to be going down that road for a reason. Sometimes there seems to be a reason, but more often than not, something comes up and off the beaten path again I go. My reason gets lost. I need to find that reason again. Maybe it would help to guide me to where I am supposed to be going and that destination will become more clear. I truly don’t want to know what is at the end of the road, but I’d like to be able to plot my course, choose my side roads, and meander my way to my destination and enjoy the scenery along the way.
Trying to Believe
“Believe and It Will Be” is a phrase originated by a dear friend, a phrase to invoke positive thinking and bring hopeful positive influence into our lives. I never knew how difficult it could be to “believe”. How hard could it be? Really concentrating on believing in something shouldn’t be too difficult, but amazingly enough, it is. For me it is. I try to have good positive thoughts and believe that something that I’m really hopeful to happen is going to happen, but there’s a part of me that just won’t let myself believe “all the way”. I hold back just a little, or maybe a lot, I don’t really know, but I think it’s because if I allow myself to totally believe that a certain something is going to go my way, it won’t and I’ll be in for a major letdown and I’m trying desperately not to be let down. After all, believing that something WILL happen the way I am hoping it will requires more concentration and thought to always think positive and to get rid of that negative thinking that comes so naturally a lot of the time. When there is the possibility that what I want to believe to happen won’t happen, it’s almost easier to give in to that feeling of doom and gloom than it is to “retrain” my mind to think positive and believe in what I’m looking for.
What a happy day it will be when it becomes easier and less stressful to think positive than to be in a negative train of thought day after day.
Obnoxious Sayings!
“It is what it is”. Now that’s a phrase that totally unleashes the pissedoffedness in me. I hate that phrase! What’s that supposed to mean? No kidding it is what it is, but that’s not something I want to hear when something runs amok or doesn’t go the way it was planned or was suppposed to go. People really aren’t helping me by telling me this. I already KNOW this. I am looking for sympathy, a shoulder to cry on, heck, I’ve needed entire bodies to cry on sometimes, never mind just the shoulder. I’m looking for some answers or at least some direction as to where to go from here, or tell me it’s alright and it will be better or SOMETHING.
I guess it is what it is…..
