Valentine’s Day

Ah yes.  Valentine’s Day.   The holiday that starts the day after Christmas and sometimes  on Christmas day.  Another holiday where everyone is scrambling last-minute to find that perfect gift or the most romantic restaurant for which to impress the significant other in their life.    People being sucked in by commercialism of red, pink and white items which are prominently displayed in hopes of enticing the eyes of passersby of those displays. 

It never ceases to amaze me the number of people shopping last-minute the day before or the day OF Valentine’s Day grabbing whatever they see off the shelves to present to the “unsuspecting” recipient of said shelf item.

Come on people!  Just because the calendar says Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean that you have to go running around like a lunatic yet again spending money on useless, meaningless gifts that obviously are not coming straight from the heart when it’s an item grabbed off a shelf from your local Wal-Mart.  If you love someone and want to show this love, shouldn’t you be openly loving this person and showing your love every day that you are together?   Sometimes the smallest gestures of love are the most meaningful; kind words, a stolen kiss before walking out the door to begin your day, gentle hands caressing the face of the one you love and care about.    These gestures are to me, more meaningful than any store-bought item you could give to me.

I wouldn’t however, turn down a bouquet  of pretty carnations.  Just make them purple please!    :)

Alone vs. Not Alone

Less than 3 hours until Christmas.   Alone once again.  It’s not so bad.   I have no family  nearby and my friends have family of their own to spend time with.  It’s been this way for a few years now.   When I was married I looked forward to visiting with friends or travelling to visit family on Christmas Eve.  Christmas day was spent usually alone,  just the two of us if we could get away with it, as the hoopla with family leading up to Christmas made us long for some down-time together on that day.

Well, it looks like I’ve still got my down-time.  Even though I have kept myself purposely single for a great deal of time, each year I’m starting to think that maybe alone isn’t what I’m supposed to be.  I think about it more often and this years’ holiday season has for some reason made me think even more about it. 

It would be nice to spend this time with someone I care about who enjoys as much as I do this holiday.  There are alot of things lately that have made me think about alone vs. not alone and altho I will fight with myself over this I’m starting to give in to the notion that perhaps we are not meant to go through life alone.    All of these little things are starting to add up.  Add up to total confusion most of the time.  Maybe it’s not as confusing as it seems.  Perhaps I’m overthinking things and not letting “life happen”.  Maybe if I didn’t fight with myself so much to try to control what does happen in my life, and I just LET it happen, I will be where I’m supposed to be in the grand scheme of life.   I really don’t like fighting, but I also don’t like losing.  Am I losing if I lose my own fight with myself  and I just let things happen the way they are supposed to happen? 

I believe I am ready to give myself a break and give “life” a chance.

My Ideal Man

Having been out of the marriage and dating scene for a few years, I’ve had time to think about what I might, still not so sure,  but might be interested in again for the next go-round…I used to joke that I had a list a mile long of what I will and will not put up with.  It was an all me list, and quite frankly, it has to be a “me” list in order for me to take care of myself and my best interests if I intend to be happy with a significant other in my life again.  Notice I said significant other and not husband.  I’m still not so sure that marriage will ever be in the cards again, but I am realizing that being alone may not be what is supposed to be in the cards either.   Therefore I’ve started establishing my list of what I would be looking for in the “ideal man”.  I honestly don’t think the ideal man truly exists, but I am a dreamer I guess, perhaps a realistic dreamer in that maybe ALL of my listed qualities may not show up in somebody, but I think it’s fair to be looking for most of them.

The most important thing that I am looking for is for you to be genuine.  You need to be on the “inside” what you portray yourself to be on the “outside”.  Phony people don’t cut it for me, if you want to find someone compatible with you, you can’t come across as something you are not.  Lay it all out on the line.  Let me know who you really are.  I’ve been around enough to spot phony..

I’d like someone who makes me laugh and doesn’t walk around taking life so serious all the time.  Someone who can roll with the punches, get up, dust yourself off and move on and doesn’t blame the world for everything that may not be going exactly right.

Somebody who knows how to have fun who isn’t a fuddy duddy afraid to be spontaneous on occasion and who can let loose and be fun and crazy at times.  Try new things without worrying about what other people are going to think.  We’re not here to abide by what others perceive to be “normal”.  Challenge them to define “normal”…

Comfort and care for me.  Provide comfort and support when I need it.  Provide it on a regular basis, let me know you are here for me and that you genuinely care about what I may be going thru and help me as best you can.  I don’t expect any more from someone than they can give, but give me what you can and in the most caring generous way that you are able.  Just let me know that you are there for me with kind comforting words.

I’d like someone who is hardworking, not a couch potato but who also enjoys rainy days in front of a fire watching movies, relaxing, being together enjoying each others company.  I also expect loyalty and command respect.  Please don’t point out my obvious flaws as I already know they exist and if you can’t deal with them, then the door is that way>

I need someone with common sense, with a good business and financial head, with a great sense of being responsible.  I like someone who like me, chooses to live below my means, lives a simple life, no extravagances.

I’d like someone who is willing to teach me the world through his eyes and who makes me yearn to learn more through him, a man who is curious.

I would love to want to come home to you.  I want to know that you are there to talk to, to tell about what happened during my day, to find out what happened during YOUR day and to know how you are doing too.  In other words, I’d like communication…. and a ginormous bear hug !

My Dream

A little cabin or ranch type house.  One story, with basement for furnace, water heater, electrical equipment and storage only.  One floor open concept living.  A master suite at the end of the house, with a TV and computer area off to the side within this suite.  One guest bedroom only.  Central air/heat for sure.  There is a screened in 3 season porch along the entire back of the house with a 5 person hot tub.  Outside speakers for the awesome stereo system, and a grill hard-wired to the electric box.    Outside is a nice little fenced in garden area complete with an herb garden.    The lawn area is very small, easy to keep and surrounded by trees, and is also fenced in all around to keep my dog safe.   Minimal maintenance.    There is just enough acreage for 1-2  horses, a small barn/garage combo with hay storage above, and there is a fenced-in riding ring  and a round pen.  All of this nestled in the foothills of a  western mountain range. 

 The house and barn/garage is white with magenta shutters and doors and magenta metal roof, flower boxes and raised flower beds everywhere.  Tons of  hostas!  All different varieties! 

There is a farm stand at the end of the driveway to sell my garden goods and many varieties of hostas.

The town is small and quaint, relaxing, no hustle and bustle, a quiet place to live.

Welcome to “My Dream”…

Where’s our Morals?

What is up with the morals or lack thereof in our world anymore?  Allowing Michael Vick back in “the game” after the sick, thoughtless, inhumane, grisly things he did to those poor dogs on his property?  Why is a human being (and I use the term loosely) such as this, looked up to in any way, shape or form?  Are we so sick that we feel the need to idolize a man after what he’s done and confessed to have done for the sake of a “game”?  What the hell?  Oh, but I’m apparently part of the minority here in that I voted on a website to NOT let him back into the game and it sickened me that 47% said he paid his dues and so let  him back in.  As if nothing happened.    Tell the poor dead dogs that “nothing happened” as they suffered brutality at his and his cronies hands for the sake of what, yet more money?  Let’s see, $130 million  for 10 years of playing a game?  Just not sure he could live on that, you know? 

When we have “idols” like this to look up to it’s no wonder kids AND adults nowdays are messed up and have no morals.  There’s nobody teaching them anymore.  People like Vick get a slap on the wrist for being the brutal monster that he is, and think about it….what kind of human is he that he can harbor such meanness, cruelty and hatred towards a living being?  It only stands to reason that if he’s treating defenseless animals in this way, then the next logical step is treating another human being the same way.  I would be scared to death to be anywhere near a person who I know has done what he did.

I can only hope that none of the teams take him back.  It would only be teaching people, our young people, that your chances of getting away with murder is pretty darn good.

Wishing the road to straighten out

I am wishing my life away week by week, can’t wait for the week to end because it means I get paid.  Paid to pay an $1100 a month mortgage/taxes for a house I don’t want and nobody can buy nowadays. 

What kind of a life is this to continue wishing each day would end so that it gets me closer to payday? 

I remember when payday used to be FUN!  Couldn’t wait to have extra spending money to go out with friends and just be silly and have fun, go away for an overnight party or to a concert.  Or, as I got older and bought a house, money to spend on the house.  Decorating or landscaping, planting.  That used to be fun.  Not any more.  It’s not fun to do all of this for someplace I don’ t want and is nowhere near where my life ended up geographically speaking.

The economy is spiralling downhill and it’s taking everything and everyone with it.  Little things are being affected and they are snowballing, gathering speed and growing into major problems for most people and we are caught up in this trap thatlooks to be hopeless to get out of. 

I feel more and more lost, unhappy, unfulfilled, and my life not meaning anything anymore.  I’m not sure I can be good at just surviving alone.  Oh I’m not alone, I have my friends and they are in the same boat I am.  I used to be able to be helpful towards friends and others but now I’m hard pressed to help myself anymore.  What the hell?  I want, and more so, need answers.  I used to have a path to follow but now it’s turned into a inter-winding circling all over the place road that is going nowhere.  Straighten out road!

Where is this all leading?  Well?

Repetition

It’s 10:30 a.m. and I just heard 4 radio commercials in a row.  That’s not unusual and I can ignore them anyway.  However, it’s the repeating of the 800 numbers 4 TIMES and more that is annoying!   Has anyone else noticed this new radio annoyance?   It seems to have come about within the last few months.  How anyone can think that we would remember all of these phone numbers when they are whipped out annoyingly quickly and one commercial after another??!!   I’ve just had 4 numbers playing 16 times in my head and it is getting to be sickening to hear this all day long.  It’s not like I am, first, interested in what is advertised, and second, going to remember an annoying repeated phone number a million times….   I know.  Change the station.  But guess what?   They are ALL doing this!   It amazes me what people do for money.  Unfortunately the radio stations have to sign up this kind of garbage to keep playing tunes in between the ridiculous phone numbers. 

Perhaps I should write a country song about this subject and then I wouldn’t be quite so annoyed.

My Way

Heard a statement on talk radio recently about “losing your way”.  What is my “way”?  How do I know if I lost it or not if I don’t know what my “way” is?  I’m in my forty’s and don’t know if I have a “way” yet.  Have I been trying to go my way?  Have I been trying to find my way, no, can’t because I don’t know what my way is.  What the hell is a way?  I’m assuming I should know by now what my way is, but darned if I know.  Is everybody’s way the same?  Is it a general kind of thought or logic or “way of life” that we all inadvertantly seek or is my way different than that of everyone else?  Maybe it means “am I on track”, on track of life or something.  I don’t know, “way”, “on track”, it doesn’t really matter because I don’t know at this point if I’m on track or not.  What track?  Hmm, it seems my “way” and being “on track” could be interchangeable.  Scary.  Just another thing to add to my gigantic “To Do” list.  Figuring out what my “way” is and if I’m “on track” with it or not….

My Best Friends

I’ve finally figured out why it hurts more to lose a treasured pet than it does to lose a human relationship, at least for me.  Altho I have had boyfriends and a husband who did look at me “adoringly”, it wasn’t, as it turned out, anything that was going to last forever.

With a pet, be it a cat, dog,  horse (all of which I have/had), these “adoring” looks and looks of love and of just plain wanting to be with me, are “Forever” looks.  There is no wondering on my part if there is going to be a mid-life crisis coming, or male menopause kicking in or thoughts of leaving me for somebody better.  I AM the somebody better in their lives.  They think of no one else but me.  I am their everything.  I can relax and know that I am the most important thing in their lives (short of food!) and have nothing to worry about and just take care of them to the best of my ability and love them for who they are and for what joy, comfort and love they bring into my life.

It’s too bad so many people don’t get or give themselves a chance to experience this sort of relationship.  We can all learn from our animal friends and perhaps grow as human beings. 

I still miss Tasha, Penny, Holly and Tony….:(

Junk Drawer

Is it just me or is it irritating when someone puts old, useless or broken items BACK into a junk drawer?!   What’s up with that??  As I am pet sitting with a tornado warning on TV and the warning siren going off in town, I am rummaging thru their junk drawers and finding all kinds of flashlights and batteries;  NONE OF WHICH WORK!    Batteries dead both inside the flashlights and inside the junk drawer.   Then to find out the trusty little flashlight keychain on my car key ring is DEAD too!!   Geez, talk about a run of bad luck in a scary situation.   Nothing to do but grab the dogs and  head downstairs and hope nothing happens!   People really!   Clean out your junk drawers and clean them today !